July 08, 2008
By: John and Belinda Dronkers-Laureta

SAN FRANCISCO — Two women on a lunch break, talking, no longer eating. A half-full bowl of rice, leftover stir fry, cold tea.

One of the women is in trouble. She wants this to seem like an ordinary lunch, yet is quite anxious that friends and family do not find out that it is anything but.

Six weeks ago, her daughter told her she was a lesbian. The mother is devastated. It has ripped out all her benchmarks for life like a cyclone flattening a landscape. And in her vast knowledge as an Asian mother, nothing exists to deal with the pain.

She longed to talk to someone to unburden her grief, but not anyone close and certainly not family for that would only bring dishonor and shame. Her daughter suggested the woman she is now having lunch with.

“One minute, I am talking to my daughter; the next, she is this stranger,” she says. “It seemed as if I wasn’t there at all. I don’t remember a word. I was floating.”

We Asians sacrifice so much for our children because they are our face. We dream our dreams for them, sacrifice to make the dreams come true. We see ourselves at the end of a long life surrounded by happy, successful children with healthy grandchildren, gracefully receiving compliments from family and friends.

“She is such a gifted child, doing so well in college, everybody loves her, and then this slap in the face. Why would she hurt me like this?”

The false accusation is born from a lack of knowledge. Many Asian parents have only negative images of lesbians or gays. Most Asian languages have no word for lesbian, gay or coming out. There are few lesbian role models to look to.

How then to process this information? With help and resources from organizations, and with time and patience between daughter and mother.

Her companion says: “First, make sure you tell your daughter that you love her — above all else, you love her. Then, ask your daughter for time, time to gather information, time to learn to make that information yours, at least as much time as it took her to become comfortable with herself and find the courage to tell you. Spend as much time as you can with her. Travel to see her; send e-mails; send cards. Now more than ever, it is important that you two stay close. Your daughter is the same child she was in the second before she told you. She loves you, and all your dreams can still come true. Don’t worry: People are here to help you — you are not alone.”