Articles

A Remarkable Journey of Private Courage

Gay Parent Magazine, February 2005
by Angeline Acain

Born in Taytay, Rizal, Philippines, Belinda Dronkers-Laureta moved to northern California at age 10, when her father moved his family to America for better opportunity. Growing up, Dronkers-Laureta and her family socialized with other Filipino families in Fremont, Union City, and Newark in the San Francisco bay area. "We came together for celebrations such as fiesta or coronations. The families were from different Filipino regions and spoke Visayan, Tagalog, and Ilocano." says Dronkers-Laureta. "These gatherings helped us maintain our cultural traditions as we tried to mimic our life in the Philippines." But as a child she was told by her father to stop speaking Tagalog and to speak only English, in order to assimilate in America. "We assimilated so fast that we forgot to ‘keep our culture,’" says Dronkers-Laureta who no longer speaks Tagalog fluently.

Now 50 something, Dronkers-Laureta’s husband, John, is also an immigrant, from the former Dutch East Indies, which is now Indonesia. She has three grown children and her younger son, Lance, works in New York City and lives in New Jersey. "Lance came out to me when he was 20. It was 1993 and he had just come back from the March on Washington DC. I was in shock; it was not news I wanted to hear. Lance said he was mailing me information on PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays)," says Dronkers-Laureta. "After we hung up I called my husband and told him that our son was homosexual. My husband responded, ‘Lance will be Lance, as long as he does well in school.’ Using the word gay’ was new to me. I didn’t know the phrase ‘come out.’ It was very hard for me to understand what being gay meant. Everyone in our family unit was comfortable except me. I was fearful. Living close to San Francisco I had heard about riots and about gay bashing."

Familiar with, ‘bakla,’ a derogatory Filipino word for a male acting like a girl, Dronkers-Laureta thought Lance’s homosexuality was just a phase. She had a difficult time telling her extended family members about Lance’s homosexuality, "You don’t just have a family gathering and say, ‘Surprise, Lance is gay!’" She continues, "However, Lance was most helpful because I asked questions like, ‘When did you know you were gay?’ and ‘Did you choose to be gay?’ Lance educated me in the different genders and sexual orientations. I didn’t even know a Filipino word for lesbian and he was telling me about LGBTQ!"

Accidental Activist

Consequently, John suggested they attend an LGBT forum that was being sponsored by his co-workers. At the forum, PFLAG was on the panel of speakers and suggested to audience members the experience of marching in the annual gay parade. Since the parade happened to fall on father’s day, John said that was how he wanted to spend the day. She says, "Even though we didn’t know anyone, my daughter, husband, and I marched with the PFLAG contingency in the 1995 San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. Remarkably, it turns out that we were broadcast on television marching in the parade…people called saying they saw us on TV! That was our first PFLAG experience and we came out to the whole world!" After the parade, a high school teacher interested in forming a PFLAG Chapter in Fremont approached Dronkers-Laureta. She thought her involvement would be minimal, but by fluke, she ended up being president. "This has been a journey I never thought I would take," she says.

As her LGBT volunteer work grew, the San Francisco Chapter of PFLAG asked Dronkers-Laureta to work on their Asian and Pacific Islander (API) Family Project which involved creating a video titled, "Coming Out, Coming Home." Feeling overextended with her work with the Fremont Chapter, she declined. But in 1998 after the video was completed, she then decided to get involved and attended a luncheon with other Asians involved in the project, who also had adult LGBT children. This was the first time she and John met others like themselves. "Among the Asians present, my husband and I felt so comfortable," she says. That day, Dronkers-Laureta’s destiny as an activist was on its way to a higher level. She explains, "What was so surprising was that same day was the 10th anniversary celebration of GAPA, the Gay Asian Pacific Alliance, and they asked us to join them. This was a real eye opener for us. At the GAPA event were at least 1,000 gay men. I couldn’t believe there was such a community for my son. Another striking aspect was that a lot of men in GAPA knew Lance. This surprise made my husband and I feel proud. At that moment we felt right at home like we were with extended family."

API Family Pride

Dronkers-Laureta met again with the families involved with PFLAG's API Family Project video. In 2001 the group began the process of becoming a non-profit organization and in 2004, API Family Pride received its official non-profit status. One of the group’s activities is outreach to the Asian community and Dronkers-Laureta has even traveled to the Philippines to speak at an international gay and lesbian conference. She explains, "It is not comfortable for an Asian person to talk to strangers and share personal information. Because Asians feel shame about having a gay child, they won’t go to a support group. For a long time I was the only Asian at the PFLAG Chapter. Once I received a call from a Filipino mom so I invited her to a meeting but she would not come. The video, ‘Coming Out, Coming Home’, was made specifically to help Asian families with their coming out process. People can take the video home and view it by themselves or with their gay or lesbian child." In addition to the video, PFLAG's API Family Project also published "Beloved Daughter" in 1999. "Beloved Daughter" is a booklet of letters by lesbians and their parents written in Chinese and English. The video and booklet are available through API Family Pride.

With nationwide referrals from PFLAG, API Family Pride is becoming known among API LGBTs. The organization gets calls from LGBTs asking, "Can you call my mom?" Callers reside in the bay area but they will ask API Family Pride to call their parent who lives outside of the area such as in Los Angeles or even Texas. In June 2004 they introduced a new event called the Family Honor Roll which is also a fundraiser for the organization. People are invited to nominate loved ones who had overcome homophobia by submitting a brief story about them. One hundred thirty people attended the event and 12 families were honored. "Each of the API queer came up and talked about how supportive their loved ones were with their family sitting up front," describes Dronkers-Laureta. "The families honored included Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino, and Malaysian. It was so powerful, a real eye opener for the parents knowing they weren’t alone. They love their child no matter what. Some didn’t realize the impact they made by overcoming homophobia. The event was a public recognition of their private courage. So next year API queers should nominate loved ones for our next Family Honor Roll."

Future Grandma

During the summer, API Family Pride organizes a barbecue and invites gay parents to come with their kids and babies. The purpose of the barbecue is to bring generations together. "When Lance came out, I thought, ‘Now I won’t have any grandchildren through Lance.’ And Asian parents still think this way," says Dronkers-Laureta. "I know two lesbian couples who just had babies. Through the summer barbecue event, we make the possibility of having grandchildren visible. We invite the entire family to show parents of API queers that it is possible for them to be grandparents." She continues, "Lance has been with his partner now for seven years. Like any other couple they bought a house. They haven’t talked about children yet, I don’t know if they ever will. I would like to have grandchildren. And because I am known as Lance’s mom and an advocate for the gay community, a lesbian couple actually approached me asking if Lance could be a possible sperm donor for them! Of course it is really up to Lance but I was delighted they asked me, the parent, first. I know of API families where sperm has been donated and both families are ecstatic about having grandchildren. I just see it as normal. I’ve gone to baby showers and see gay parents getting ready for their baby to be born. It just adds to family."

"Don’t underestimate your parents if you are gay or straight," says Dronkers-Laureta. "I never thought my life journey would bring me to this stage at where I am now. Even though I volunteer, my work has been so rewarding just knowing I am helping others. I want to show the Asian community that there are allies. I am an ally…hearts and minds can change. API Family Pride’s motto is, ‘In API homes, all children are welcome.’"

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API Family Pride, PO Box 473, Fremont, CA 94537, 510-818-0887,
visit www.apifamilypride.org.

Angeline Acain, Publisher,
Gay Parent magazine & New York Gay Parent Guide GPM,
PO Box 750852, Forest Hills, NY 11375-0852 718-997-0392, www.gayparentmag.com
LGBT friendly resources for creating and nurturing your family since 1998

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