Beloved Daughter

A Letter from a Mom translated to English

As the truth replaces fear and superstition, attitudes are changing. In the meantime, don't let society rob you of your special child.

“She Is Still My Daughter”

I was born in China, raised in Taiwan and after graduating from college, moved to the United States in 1961 to continue my education. My husband and I then settled in the New Jersey suburbs and have lived there over 30 years. We have a son and a daughter.

Ann-Mei, my daughter, was born and raised in the United Slates. She always has been straight forward and very independent of mind. She never behaved or dressed as a typical girl and reminded me of myself when I was younger. She excelled academically as a student and was a favorite amongst her teachers. She was not the most popular, however, among her peers Ann-Mei had some girl friends, but never a boyfriend. She appeared sad and lonely at times, and left out of group activities. I wondered, if, in addition to the usual teen age problems, whether being the only Asian in her class affected her and caused her to be treated differently by her class mates.

Ann-Mei look a math class at Harvard during the summer following her 10th grade. There she met and befriended a young woman from California. During those two short months, they were stuck to each other like there was no tomorrow. They remained in contact through frequent letters and long distance telephone calls after the class ended. Ann-Mei also saved her allowance money to purchase a plane ticket for her friend just so they could attend a concert together! I thought this behavior was quite strange, but attributed it to one of her rebellions. The relationship was probably one-sided on Ann-Mei's part because nothing came of it.

During her winter break in her second year in college, Ann-Mei came home to visit. Before bed time one night, she finally told me she was a lesbian. After my initial shock, I asked her how she knew this, and inquired whether this was just a phase? Ann- Mei responded she had come to this conclusion only after much soul searching and inner struggle. She was certain I could not quite believe her, and tossed and turned until dawn. The next morning I told her father.

How did I feel? Shocked at first I had not encountered this topic before, and so it came out of the blue. I was disappointed for Ann-Mei as well as the loss of the dreams I held for her. Mainly, I felt worried for her safety, fearing that she will be discriminated against, and will have to face many challenges. I also felt fortunate, however, that she trusted me enough to be open and honest, and that she chose to tell me tile truth.

After coming out, Ann-Mei began educating me, introducing me to books and magazines, asking me to talk with her friends and joining lesbian and gay support groups. My love and caring for her has not changed. In fact, Our relationship has grown closer. There is nothing we can't discuss. Having accepted my daughter's sexuality, I no longer feel left out in a lesbian and/or gay gathering. This is because I share a common background with them, just like ,similarities shared between two Chinese people.

My husband and I chose to disclose Ann-Mei’s sexual orientation to our siblings and close friends. Even if an acquaintance inquire about a boyfriend, I make certain to tell them the truth. If the conversation turns towards homosexuality, I express my stance on the issue, but I do not expect all others to agree with or support my views.

Every parent of a lesbian or gay child will experience their own "coming out" process. My own emotional struggles, however, were not very turbulent. This is probably because, by nature, I am an easygoing, nontraditional person. Once my mind is calm, I can resolve most problems. I think when many parents discover their daughter's lesbianism, they not only need to deal with their feelings of shock and ambivalence, but they also have to deal with concerns of "face". They may feel too ashamed to face their friends, neighbors and relatives, as if the world has come to an end.

My daughter's lesbianism is not an intentional act of rebellion. As a parent, so long as I know I have done the best job I could, other people and their opinions cannot affect me. Therefore, is it more important that my daughter lives with a clear conscience or worry about other people's gossip? Do I want my daughter to feel proud of herself, or would I rather have her hide behind a mask? To support her or to put pressure against her? If we make life difficult for her, then we all lose out. My daughter is still my daughter. How is it possible, then, that between knowing and not knowing, our world might be turned upside down?

Ann-Mei’s mom

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Events Articles Resources Volunteering Links Contact Us	Beloved Daughter A Letter from a Mom translated to English As the truth replaces fear and superstition, attitudes are changing. In the meantime, don't let society rob you of your special child. “She Is Still My Daughter” I was born in China, raised in Taiwan and after graduating from college, moved to the United States in 1961 to continue my education. My husband and I then settled in the New Jersey suburbs and have lived there over 30 years. We have a son and a daughter. Ann-Mei, my daughter, was born and raised in the United Slates. She always has been straight forward and very independent of mind. She never behaved or dressed as a typical girl and reminded me of myself when I was younger. She excelled academically as a student and was a favorite amongst her teachers. She was not the most popular, however, among her peers Ann-Mei had some girl friends, but never a boyfriend. She appeared sad and lonely at times, and left out of group activities. I wondered, if, in addition to the usual teen age problems, whether being the only Asian in her class affected her and caused her to be treated differently by her class mates. Ann-Mei look a math class at Harvard during the summer following her 10th grade. There she met and befriended a young woman from California. During those two short months, they were stuck to each other like there was no tomorrow. They remained in contact through frequent letters and long distance telephone calls after the class ended. Ann-Mei also saved her allowance money to purchase a plane ticket for her friend just so they could attend a concert together! I thought this behavior was quite strange, but attributed it to one of her rebellions. The relationship was probably one-sided on Ann-Mei's part because nothing came of it. During her winter break in her second year in college, Ann-Mei came home to visit. Before bed time one night, she finally told me she was a lesbian. After my initial shock, I asked her how she knew this, and inquired whether this was just a phase? Ann- Mei responded she had come to this conclusion only after much soul searching and inner struggle. She was certain I could not quite believe her, and tossed and turned until dawn. The next morning I told her father. How did I feel? Shocked at first I had not encountered this topic before, and so it came out of the blue. I was disappointed for Ann-Mei as well as the loss of the dreams I held for her. Mainly, I felt worried for her safety, fearing that she will be discriminated against, and will have to face many challenges. I also felt fortunate, however, that she trusted me enough to be open and honest, and that she chose to tell me tile truth. After coming out, Ann-Mei began educating me, introducing me to books and magazines, asking me to talk with her friends and joining lesbian and gay support groups. My love and caring for her has not changed. In fact, Our relationship has grown closer. There is nothing we can't discuss. Having accepted my daughter's sexuality, I no longer feel left out in a lesbian and/or gay gathering. This is because I share a common background with them, just like ,similarities shared between two Chinese people. My husband and I chose to disclose Ann-Mei’s sexual orientation to our siblings and close friends. Even if an acquaintance inquire about a boyfriend, I make certain to tell them the truth. If the conversation turns towards homosexuality, I express my stance on the issue, but I do not expect all others to agree with or support my views. Every parent of a lesbian or gay child will experience their own "coming out" process. My own emotional struggles, however, were not very turbulent. This is probably because, by nature, I am an easygoing, nontraditional person. Once my mind is calm, I can resolve most problems. I think when many parents discover their daughter's lesbianism, they not only need to deal with their feelings of shock and ambivalence, but they also have to deal with concerns of "face". They may feel too ashamed to face their friends, neighbors and relatives, as if the world has come to an end. My daughter's lesbianism is not an intentional act of rebellion. As a parent, so long as I know I have done the best job I could, other people and their opinions cannot affect me. Therefore, is it more important that my daughter lives with a clear conscience or worry about other people's gossip? Do I want my daughter to feel proud of herself, or would I rather have her hide behind a mask? To support her or to put pressure against her? If we make life difficult for her, then we all lose out. My daughter is still my daughter. How is it possible, then, that between knowing and not knowing, our world might be turned upside down? Ann-Mei’s mom Back to Resources