Mother's Day Community Forum 2003

API Parents Talk, Communication and Education

by Loren Javier
API Family Pride, board member

On Sunday, May 4, 2003, seven Bay Area Asian & Pacific Islander organizations, including Asian & Pacific Islander (API) Pride, API Queer Women & Transgender Coalition (APIQWTC), API Wellness Center, Chinatown Beacon Center, PFLAG Chinese Northern California Chapter, Gay Asian Pacific Alliance (GAPA) and South Bay Queer & Asian (SBQA), held a community forum to celebrate Mother's Day. Entitled "Mothers' Stories: Coming to Terms with Coming Out," the forum provided an opportunity for families to share their stories of their children coming out and how they came to terms with acceptance and respect.

On the panel were four sets of parents -- Belinda and John Dronkers-Laureta, parents to New York activist Lance and Board members of API Family Pride, Letty and Cesar Javier, parents to GAPA and API Family Pride Board member Loren, Ahn and Ken Lonitz, parents to SBQA Social Chair Lee, and Dawning Chung, mother of San Francisco Pride Board member Cecilia. Koko Lin from APIQWTC and Ben Chan from API Wellness Center served as the forum moderators.

As each set of parents told their story, it was interesting to see some common themes. In most of the cases, it was the mother who ended up being the most emotional and had the most difficulty upon hearing of their child's sexual orientation.

"It was like I was talking to a stranger even though he was my son," said Belinda, "I'm standing in one place, yet he was so far away."

Letty said the reason why she cried was because she felt sad about a variety of reasons, from having a sense that her dream of Loren having a wife and children were shattered to feeling bad that some of the anti-gay jokes told in the family might have affected me without her even knowing.

The fathers, on the other hand, tended to be less reactive to their children coming out. Ken summed it up by saying, "It isn't my place to make those decisions for him. That's what we brought him up to do is to make his own decisions in his own life and we'll live with those decisions no matter what the consequences might be."

Despite their more seeming ease with the coming out process, even every father has had their own personal journey as well. John noted, "The way I learned what it means to be gay is by watching Belinda grow into her role as the mother of a gay child."

When parents were asked about where they think fear comes from in terms of coming out for both families and their lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender members, most reflected on some of the cultural and societal pressures that are placed on us.

"It's really not easy. It's not just our fear, but a cultural thing and a thing from our society that makes us keep our silence," said Dawning, referring to perceptions that a child's sexual orientation or gender identity and thus creating fear of dealing with the issue.

"I was ashamed of Lance being gay because of the cultural thing I've learned...gay people were bad to me in the Philippines...and here too. And, I also thought that being gay was an American thing and not a Filipino thing."

"Fear comes from the stereotypes that culture puts on you and on us," said Letty.

All the parents talked about how strong bonds within API families, communication, education and resources and challenging fear is what eventually made all these families come together.

"Building that bond [between parent and child] first and then tell them (the rest of the family)," said Belinda, stressing the importance of sharing within the family.

"Validate your existence, be more, make your presence known, be a role model and support each other...and the parents, too, we can be more active and proactive with making your presence known and being out there so that we not only make negative news, but make it a positive media coverage," said Letty.

"There's a saying that time heals almost anything and it's true in this particular case," said Cesar, "Communication's very important...your willingness and not being fearful of saying you are gay or transsexual or whatever your sexual orientation. Educating your parents is very important."

In the end, all families have learned to grow, accept, support and be proud of their gay children.

Ahn shared, "Everyday, I learn to open my heart...to love...to understand. So, thank God...Now, Lee and I can talk. We can share stories."

"I always think that God meant her to do good things," said Dawning.

While the forum was not meant to make people go home to come out to their parents, it was designed to give people who wish to do so some hope as well as offer some resources and information.

Koko summed it up the best when she said, "One thing I've learned from sitting here is 'don't underestimate your parents.'"

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